In A Single Ladys’ Guide to Dating you will find 10 rules for modern dating that are designed to empower and enlighten your adventures in dating while also helping you discover your own strengths and talents as a powerful single woman. This book is designed to remind you that your value and worth is independent of the men in your life and that you are the sole person who is responsible for your happiness and wellbeing. You have been granted great freedoms as a 21st century woman. Within this freedom is the essence of your responsibility to take control of your destiny. This book is meant to remind you that you have everything it takes to make your greatest dreams come true in both dating and life.
You and I are so lucky to be alive in an age where women have more freedom than ever before in history. As a young professional woman, I am in charge of my career, I occasionally travel alone, I have moved abroad by myself to pursue work opportunities, I can buy my own apartment or house in my name alone, I can start my own business or company, and I make decisions about my body, health, and wellbeing for myself. I can make my every wish come true without depending on a man to fulfill my needs or desires if that is what I wish because I am self-reliant. I have been granted freedoms that women from my grandmother’s generation could never have even imagined. And yet, so many of the women I know take an archaic stance on dating, boyfriends, and ultimately marriage. I have seen it happen time and time again where a fierce, independent, professional woman is reduced to rock-bottom self-esteem because her boyfriend didn’t text her to go out the night before.
If you can relate to the feeling of having your self-worth tied up with the quality of your intimate relationship with your boyfriend, this book is written for you. It doesn’t have to be this way. Your happiness and sense of self-worth are, ultimately, your own responsibility. Isn’t it time to take back control of your life? I will show you how you can do just that through a combination of strategic dating and a sustainable practice of self-love.
The Key to unlocking your potential, in dating and beyond, lies in the development of a fierce and powerful self-love. You must fall in love with yourself before you can find your equivalent match in another. The act of going out on a date can become a form of self-love. This book will help you do just that. As you begin to view dating as a form of self-love, your dating life will be transformed into the greatest adventure that you have ever pursued. Your potential has yet to be fulfilled, but through careful dating, you can find the right partner who will help you achieve it.
Know your worth
Your worth is not measured by the amount of men who desire you or by the quality of your relationship with your boyfriend or husband. Having a man in your life does not make you a more valued woman or more worthy of respect and admiration. It is only if the man you have in your life helps you to be your best self that he is adding value to what you are already bringing to the relationship with him and others in your life. You are the sole defining factor in the value that you bring to the table. That is to say, you must decide your own level of self-worth and personal value in life. Once you do, like magic, everyone else will treat you accordingly.
Due to the recent popularity of Sheryl Sandberg's Lean in, it has been widely discussed as of late that men often seek to negotiate the terms of a first job offer while women take the first offer presented. The time has come for women to take a clear look at the value that they bring, not only in the workplace but also in their personal relationships. You do not have to accept the first offer that a man presents to you, whether it is an offer to be lovers, partners, or spouses. The terms are always negotiable and it is important to make sure that what is being offered tips the scales in your favor. Successful partnership are all about finding the win/win for both parties so that everyone can thrive and get one step closer to realizing their fullest potential in life.
Whether or not you are familiar with the term self-love it is likely that this concept is something you have been struggling with for most of your adult life. Women, more frequently than men, are distinctly taught not to love themselves, but to seek love and approval from others. As women we often and especially seek the love and attention of the men in our communities and in the world at large.
Women are routinely disempowered on a day-to-day basis starting with the day they are born. The socialization of women to be insecure and inadequate begins at birth. From childhood, young girls are taught to be seen but not heard. They are told to be nice and polite and they are left vulnerable to the will of others when they are not taught how to stand up for themselves at the most basic level. Part of this socialization comes from the home and family dynamic. But media and the public image of women also plays an important role. Each young woman has the potential to break this cycle and to be the iconoclast for her generation. But very few will ever achieve such groundbreaking work in their lifetimes.
Throughout a girls life, the female body is portrayed to her as something that is meant to be propagated by others but is shameful for her to be proud of herself. Women are expected to strive for an unattainable ideal of beauty whose standard is set by the media and mainstream culture. Advertisements would have us believe that this ideal beauty is unattainable to men unless they drive the right car or wear the right watch. But for women, the effect goes even deeper.
For women, their bodies will never look like the girls on billboards, in magazines or on soap operas who have been airbrushed and starved to death. Instead, women are left with a deep sense of inadequacy and insecurity, which can sometimes stay with them for life. This is extremely dangerous for women because it creates a vulnerable area of the female psyche where nothing that a woman does will ever be enough to make her feel she is worthy of the things that she truly wants in life. Because of this many women will go above and beyond to take measures into their own hands to achieve the ideal that has been set for them. They will even go so far as to undergo grotesque plastic surgery procedures, or force themselves into extreme dieting and exercise regimens. There is no end to the subtle and not so subtle violence that women will put themselves through in the name of beauty. Women are far more likely than men to spend time and money on products that promise them beauty from the inside out. Entire industries, from fashion to cosmetics, and even clinical medicine, depend on the insecurities of women, who don’t love themselves or their bodies, to make a profit.
This is the reality we live in. Our world and its social structures have not been built to give women a fair chance at success. In both the professional and personal arena’s women have been taught to depend on men for their success and wellbeing. But we have been convinced of this traditional way for far too long.
You already hold within you everything you need to build a future where the odds are in your favor. If you take the time and make the effort to do so, you can overcome socially imposed barriers to success that every woman faces in her life. But in order to do so you will need to become a conductor of radical self-love. Consistent acts of radical self-love is the path forward for every woman who has ever felt like she wasn't good enough or didn't deserve what she truly wanted from her life.
Radical self-love means loving all parts of yourself no matter what. This means that radical self-love is unconditional and includes self-acceptance as its basis.
Building your dreams
The first step towards making your dreams reality, is believing in your own abilities to make them into something true. Building the life of your dreams requires confidence and an unwavering faith in your own capabilities. Not just as a woman but also as a human being. You are the painter, and the canvas of your life is made up of many colors. You get to choose the colors, shades, landscape or abstractions that it is made up of. Each day you choose. Either you choose to make your day the same as the last or you choose to stretch yourself beyond the limits that once held you back.
Dating is not just about meeting new people and discovering what you like and dislike in various people. It is about moving beyond your comfort zone, to the place where growth and transformation thrive. Dating is about seeing yourself clearly through the eyes of another, as if for the first time. Because often times other people are able to see our potential more clearly than we see it for ourselves. And if we get lucky, which happens sometimes, we get a chance to see ourselves through the eyes of another. These are the moments that make it feel as if we are seeing ourselves clearly for the very first time.
As a strong independent woman, or a woman who is on her way to becoming strong and independent it is important to be wary, and don’t align your life with those who do not believe in your dreams. Hold out, and wait for the one who will see your vision and offer some clarity from their own unique perspective. Make sure that you have plenty of fun along the way, but remember too that you do not have to settle for anything less than extraordinary when it comes to your partnerships in life. Do not reduce yourself to spending your life as a subordinate of another dream. The time in history for women to play that role has passed. Now is the time to take center stage in your own life. After all, your life will never have another leading lady, the way you chose to play this role can be entirely up to you.
Holding out for the perfect moment
I met my man through some mutual friends when my dating life was on fire. I was going on several dates a week and sometimes even doubling up to two dates in a day. I had suitors, old and new texting me 24/7 and it felt like I was on top of the world because I could have any man that I wanted. It would seem that this was not the right time to meet the man of my dreams. At least this is what I thought to myself when I first met him.
Even through my inflated ego, my friends kept urging me to give this guy a chance. So, I did. We would often see each other in non-romantic settings like a potluck dinner with friends or a late night house party. We flirted and chatted and got to know each other little by little.
Then one night, at a party, he tried to kiss me. I was so startled that I abruptly rejected him. I felt bad about it later because I was interested in him and I didn’t mean to discourage him completely but I had been caught off guard. I also wanted to wait for the perfect private moment to share our first kiss.
After this initial rejection we had sparse contact with one another. Our regular text message banter began to dwindle and I didn’t see him out for many weeks until one night he reappeared and I found myself hoping to get him alone. But again, the perfect moment failed to present itself and I went home alone that night.
A few months later, I invited a whole bunch of friends out to see a local band in my neighborhood but he was the only one who showed up that night. So, it was him and I, alone at last. We talked about all kinds of things but one thing that impressed me most was that he was aiming to go back to school to get his MBA so that he could further his career and increase his earning potential. Nothing turns me on more than a man who knows his potential and has a fierce ambition to achieve it. As we watched the band finish up their set my own burning desire began to rise up and I wanted nothing more than to kiss him. But still, I held myself back.
As we walked back that evening and we began to say goodbye, he finally took me in his arms and kissed me. The moment was right, we were finally alone just him and I. I will never forget that he kissed me for a while and then pulled back and said, “see, isn’t this fun?”. It was, and we haven’t stopped kissing since then.
Although it took us nearly 6 months from the time we met to the time we got together, I think it was worth the wait. I had already waited all my life for a love just like this one. Some of our friends could not help but say, ‘what took you so long’ but I can’t begin to explain myself to them. I just had to take my time getting to this place because I know now that this relationship has the power to end my single life for good and that was not something that I was ready to give up even six months earlier.